Bishounen Banquet part 1/1
by M Moneure’re, caffeine, and a peanut butter fudge bar.
"list fic" with multiple crossovers (Ranma, GW, FF7, Slayers, Chrono Trigger) Warnings: PWP (there’s nothing here but food and sex), lemons, OOC-ness by both bish and listmemebers, self-insertion and insertion of other list members. Utter tastelessness. And see notes.
Pairings: Heero/Wufei, Ranma/Duo, Ryoga/Quatre, Trowa/Zelgadis, Zechs/Sephiroth, Mousse/Gourry, Kuno/Cloud, Tsubasa/Flea, The List/all of the above.
Disclaimer: None of them are mine. Except me. Bish are property of their respective owners, list members are property of themselves. I’m not making any money off of it.
Archive: sure
C&C: yes

Notes: Yes, this is a Caffeinated Fic. Totally taking place in listspace. I’m writing in random listmembers, generally OOC. And I’m borrowing ideas liberally from other people’s fics. No offense intended to anybody. Mostly, I just had to write this due to the large number of food-related fics lately. Honestly, I keep intending to do a vaguely serious fic – I even have a story planned out. It’s a Wufei story, relatively little silliness and maximum soul-searching, character-building, imagery and symbolism and all that fun stuff. I’ll probably eventually de-GW-fy it and make it a short story for a collection I’m slowly working on (what I have done is on the Self-Promotion page of http://welcome.to/animehell). But I keep getting these random ideas which just HAVE to be written. This is the last one so far.

Further note on gender pronouns: since I’m tired of having to slash gender pronouns when talking about myself (he/she, etc.), I’m going to use the non-specific "ze" instead of he or she, and "hir" instead of her/his/him. I got the idea from a few transgender activist friends of mine, and I’m likely to stick with it. Excepting those times when I’m really feeling like one gender or another. Or maybe I’ll just use M as a pronoun, I haven’t decided yet.

So, here we go…

Bishounen Banquet *or*:
When life gives you lemons… *or*:
Return of the Chocolate-Covered Bishounen

R’oko, Chaos and Bill the Radish all arrived simultaneously. They looked at each other, and realized that they were holding identical invitations to something called a "Bishounen Banquet", to be held at an address towards the outskirts of list-space. None could seem to figure out what this mysterious – yet somehow suggestively titled – event might be. The three stood together, wondering, when Seph-sama showed up and gently suggested that they might try ringing the doorbell. As agreement passed around, the now-growing crowd was joined by more of the regulars; listmommy looking greatly recovered from her recent bad-feeling-ness, Syx muttering about a current fic, Jenn putting the finishing touches on yet another kick-ass pic; oh screw it, if I try to bring up everybody who’s a benefit to this list, that’ll be the whole fic. I’m not forgetting anybody; everyone’s there, even the lurkers. Eventually, someone rings the doorbell.

"Welcome, welcome! Come on in, there’s room for everybody!" Beamed an extraordinarily hyper-looking (and sounding) M, wiping hir hands on a food-splattered apron and wielding a wooden spoon. "The kitchen’s this way. I want to get in a few words before we get to all the action".

The well-equipped and thoroughly well-used kitchen seemed to be notably larger than the building that contained it, to be able to comfortably hold the 100+ list members.

"You might be wondering why I invited you all here. Well, I think the best way will be to show you, but first I should warn you of a few things. First, stay away from the five-spice eggplant and mushrooms. Especially because of the mushrooms."

"Um…" Syx spoke up first, "you don’t mean…"

"Oh no, not THAT kind of mushrooms."

::widespread sighs of relief::

"Just a few of the aphrodisiac kinds. You know, for the bishounen. I wanted SOME excuse to have them wildly out of character."

::multiple sweatdropping by listmembers::

"And the red lentil and coconut milk soup. I’ve heard that cardamom has some aphrodisiac qualities…"

"That’s just a myth," someone grumbled.

"…but I thought that might just be a myth, so I added double doses of some of my own."

::multiple facevaulting::

R’oko looked rather hungry at this point. "What exactly are we supposed to eat at this ‘banquet’, then?"

"Well, I’ve got plenty of lemon bars. Yes, that’s a pun. Oh, and in this closet here, there’s an infinite supply of Pringles and pepsi."

After picking Mself up from being run over by Chaos and R’oko, ze continued.

"In any case, I failed to give any of the bishounen this warning. Which is part of the reason you might have wondered where all your harems disappeared to today. They’re in here." M opened large double doors into a dining room.

Which was empty except for a large number of empty plates and overturned chairs.

"Oh dear, I think I may have gotten the amounts a little bit too high…they must have moved on to the rooms. Well, come along everyone, I’ll show you around."

Being in listspace, of course, the more than 100 guests found it relatively easy to follow en masse into a long hallway. M stopped in front of the first door.

"Here we are then, room number one: hyper-violent whipped-cream fetishists." The door opened. At the moment, Heero seemed to be licking whipped cream off of Wufei’s upper thighs. It was hard to be certain, however, under all of that whiteness. In any case, Heero was definitely moving his head between Wu-chan’s legs, and both seemed to be enjoying themselves (and each other) immensely.

"Now, don’t everyone go rushing in yet, there’ll be plenty of time for fun later. Let me finish the tour first!"

The listmembers reluctantly let themselves be pulled away from the still wildly enthusiastic Gundam pilots and to the next door.

"Door number two: overly hyperactive braided bishounen."

If anything, Duo and Ranma were more enthusiastic than the previous two, though the lack of whipped cream left little doubt as to what Ranma’s intentions were with regards to Duo’s thighs and groin.

"Don’t worry, they’ll still have plenty of energy when we get back. On to door number three: I couldn’t think of an appropriately witty title for this one, but it’s one of my favorites."

Quatre seemed to have enjoyed the positions developed in Two Views of a City, as evidenced by his position firmly in Ryoga’s lap, legs wrapped around the Lost Boy’s waist, pressing their lips together and writhing passionately.

"It’s a good thing I kept the rooms stocked with an infinite supply of lube. Anyway, moving on. Door number four: strong silent types." Not quite so silent, by the moans escaping from the room. "Door number five, mysterious long-haired biseinen. Door number six, chocolate-covered…hey! Stop that! That’s for the guests!"

Mousse, who was in the act of gently nibbling chocolate from Gourry’s abdomen, paid no attention.

"Door number seven: Freudian swords. No, they’re not trying to make up for any sort of inadequacy, trust me. I checked. Finally, door number eight, the cross-dressers. Tsubasa claims to only like girls, but apparently Flea is close enough. Especially when he’s as…um… *excited * as I’ve gotten them all."

"Alright everybody, you’ve seen what we have to offer. Have fun!"

M dashed off to door number three, followed by various list members running in different directions. A sizable number still stood in the hallways, looking mildly bored.

"Well, that’s all well and good for them…but what about those of us who just want to read about the bishounen? And I’m not even into lemons…"

"I dunno. We can at least go eat something."

M stuck hir head out of a door. "Oh, I made sure there’d be enough to eat for all the listmembers who showed up for the food. It’s back in the kitchen. Now if you’ll excuse me…" M was rather suddenly yanked back into the room by an extremely naked Quatre.

--the end—

Yes, it was rather pointless. But I liked it. Now onto the "real" fic I keep promising myself…