EARLIER....
"What?"
The word just kind of fell out of his mouth. Which, incidently, was gaping like that of a sufficating fish as his mind attempted to grasp the situation at hand.
"You what?"
More words. Ranma winced, looked stung by them. They were just words...but still, he fell silent, determined in his subconscious not to cause any pain to his bent-over companion.
"I killed her," Ranma repeated carefully, tasting it as he said it. He smiled slightly, and Ryoga felt like backing up, felt like running off in a random direction, felt like doing *anything* to get away from that smile. "I don't suppose it matters to you why."
"Why wouldn't it matter?" Ryoga heard himself saying, when he had intended, "Why would it make any difference?" Blinking, he waited for an answer, deciding that one question was as good as another.
The smile grew slightly, and twisted up around his face, clutching it like a climber against a sloping rock wall. "I..."
I didn't mean to do it. I did it for you. I was kidding! I didn't do anything at all! Please, don't hate me. I just wanted to be with you. I hated her. I always hated her. I loved her; just not in the right way. I hate myself for doing it. I hate myself for not doing it sooner. I
"You what?" And instantly, cursing himself for his thoughtlessness, he added, "I don't mean to rush you!!"
Ranma shrugged. Looked indifferent, and sighed. Began to speak, his tone the reserved one of the storyteller.
"I don't know if you can imagine it, Ryoga. But try, please. Because, if you can't understand me, I don't know what I'll do with myself.
"I started training with Pop before I could even remember things very well. We went together everywhere. No friends, not ones that I kept for more than a day or two. So I made myself this mask...this mask that I wore to get people to like me more. It helped me make friends quicker, so that I could have them for longer, almost an entire week, sometimes. It helped me meet Ukyo.
"I really thought I had a connection with 'him'. His dad was training him, too. Training in okonomiyaki, but the routine was the same. Any outside interests were squelched. I think U-chan fell in love with me for that, for the connection. But I never really felt comfortable like that, with my mask up. That's why I can't marry 'her'. I barely even know her, and she doesn't know me at all.
"I made a few other friends. Always boys. Always kids who's parents had some kind of fanatical hold on their future. I met this one kid who played sports, and his dad sent him over to the States, where it's more popular. But always people like me. People who wore masks because it was easier.
"My dad has put me through some hell, Ryoga. I used to lie awake at night, and stare up at the sky. I liked the sky. The sky protected me. As long as there was sky, Pop couldn't hurt me." He cast his eyes downwards for a moment, as though mourning something.
"Sounds stupid, I know. But still. As long as there was sky, I told myself that I could get away from him if I had to. I hate houses. Hate them. I didn't used to, but after Dad taught me the Neko-ken, the houses seemed kinda weird. I don't know. I couldn't sleep in them. The walls meowed at me, and cat claws scraped down the window. Whenever I'd try and sleep, the dreams would come.
"I was in the pit again, and I was sufficating, drowning on dry land. No air, Ryoga. The cats were all over me, pressing in on my face, and the fur was in my nose and in my eyes and in my mouth when I tried to scream. Always the same dreams. About the house eating me. Cats coming out of the walls, out from under the bed, and they would get all over me, yowling and clawing, and they would dig their claws in and hold onto me, become part of my skin, and....
"I would wake up in the kind of sweat that'd turn me female these days. Enough of it, too. And I'd cry...I'd always cry...but softly, because if my dad found me crying, he was angry.... He'd yell at me...and hit me...and he'd grab me tightly, so tightly, and I couldn't get away, and he'd hiss in my face and dig his nails into my skin, and I'd scream and cry, and he'd hit me and hold me tighter, and then.... Then I'd pass out. I would wake up in the room that wanted to eat me, and I'd climb out the window.
"I never wanted to sleep in the houses, because I couldn't make the dreams go away, and Pop couldn't help me, he usually helped them anyway.... I think I should have gone to therapy, but Pop wouldn't have it. He said something like 'There's no place in the martial arts for those with weak minds', and I would want to say back to him that I didn't want to be a martial artist anyway, but if I did, he'd let the cats get me again....
"I didn't know what to do, Ryoga. I was ready to kill him, I was so close to snapping, and then I met you...." Here, Ranma grabbed him tightly by the forearms, eyes glazed over and desperate-looking.
"I needed you, Ryoga. I still need you. It was better while I knew you...the cats never came to get me at your house, Ryoga. Even though it was bigger and scarier-looking than any of the others. You kept them away, because they're...I don't know.... They're afraid of you like I'm afraid of them.
"Then he dragged me away again. He had to carry me off the lot on his shoulder, while I was screaming the whole time that you would be there, and he set me down when we got back to camp, and slapped me, and said that we were going to China now. I argued, even though I knew he'd be mad, and I kicked and fought all the way to the Sea of Japan. He dragged me a couple of miles out, then let go. I had to hurry to keep up with him, even though I would've rather drowned, because if I didn't, he would have just dragged me anyway.
"When we got back from China.... I hate that house. I tell you, I hate it. If it wasn't for Kasumi, I would've flipped a lot sooner."
"Kasumi?" he asked softly, half-way between running from Ranma's eyes and holding him as tightly as he was being held.
"Yeah, Kasumi. She found me that first night, Ryoga. Found me curled up tight and staring out like I was dead. She picked me up and helped me into the kitchen, turned on the bright lights, and asked me if I had trouble sleeping. I told her that wasn't the half of it.
"She gave me some pills. Can't remember the name. Helped me sleep, helped me deal with stuff. She takes 'em all the time, says they keep her from screaming her head off and killing somebody. I laughed. I wonder if she's laughing right now.
"I was okay for a while. But I couldn't stop taking the pills, Ryoga. I started losing it anyway, after all, they weren't *my* perscription drugs. I got all crazy and possessive with Akane, because she'd been nice to me and the pills kept her from hurting me.... She reminded me of you, in a way. And Pop said I should protect her, always protect her. I was making him happy, by doing crazy things for her.
"The pills always worked better when I was having an adreniline rush. Remember how I was acting all crazy during the whole skating thing? Remember? Do you? I got like that whenever someone tried to touch her. She was all I had anymore, Ryoga! After you came back hating me...she was all that I had. I acted like she was a possession. And she seemed to like it, so I took more of the pills and kept at it.
"For a while, everything was okay.
"Then Dr. Tofu figured out what was going on with me, and tried to make me stop. I didn't like that, and fought. I knew I had to stop when I came out of it, 'cause I'd hurt the doctor. Real bad. I *did* stop...but then I had to deal with things again.
"The cats came every night, tried to get me. I wanted them to stop, and wanted Akane to make them go away, but when she found out about them, she just laughed at me. It got worse.
"U-chan showed up, and Shampoo, and all the rest. You were all making me life a living hell, and at night, I stopped having nightmares, because the cats could get me in the day time now. No one understands it. Not U-chan, not Shampoo, not any of them. Except maybe Kodachi, but I think she's so far gone herself that she can't help me.
"So one night, Akane comes home with a cat. She's looking after it over the weekend, and tells me to behave. Pop gets mad at me for being mad at her, says a 'real' martial artist oughtta be able to take it. I screamed at him, just about lost it, and then Akane walked into the crossfire."
He fell into silence then, just rocking against Ryoga's chest, shaking occassionally with his quieted tears.
"What happened?" he asked gently.
"Akane...she had the cat, wanted me to make friends with it. I lost it, went into cat-mode, and ripped her to shreds. People think I don't know what I'm doing when I'm in the Neko-ken. I knew exactly what I was doing, I was just a different person, ususally so high I didn't care. I laughed when I killed her, Ryoga. I laughed. And beat up Pops pretty good, too. When I came back to myself.... I just left."
Ryoga nodded slowly, not sure there was anything else he could do. "It's all right, Ranma. Shhh...it's all right."
"There was blood everywhere, Ryoga. All over my shirt, and everything. I grabbed my backpack, and ran. Just ran. No one knows what happened to me. I don't think. I just ran...oh, man, oh man...."
"It's going to be all right, Ranma. Hush now. We'll do something about this, okay?" He didn't know what else to say; in the back of his mind, he just kept wondering how far the nearest police station was.
"Thanks," Ranma whispered. "I should have known. They kept telling me, but I should have known. You don't hate me? Thanks. I love you," he added, and kissed Ryoga briefly.
Startled, Ryoga nearly lost his hold on the other boy.
"You won't hurt me, will you? No, you'd never hurt me, would you, Ryo-kun? I love you so much.... She never loved you, you know. She used P-chan as a tool to get back at me. I think, somewhere along the line, she figured it out. I don't know for sure. I didn't tell you, 'cause you loved her, and I didn't want to hurt you, never hurt you, Ryo-kun.... Love you forever."
Something in the words was distinctly foreboding, but Ryoga ignored it for the present. "Will you come back with me?" he asked softly. "Will you come back to Japan? There are people who can help you, there, Ranma...people who can make the cats and the dreams go away."
"What?" was hoarsely spoken. Wild Sapphire eyes focused on him with dawning fear. "What? No...no, I can't go back! I can't! They'll lock me up, away from the sky, and oh kami, please Pop, don't hurt me...."
Now struggling frantically, Ranma managed to break Ryoga's hold, and tore off desperately in a random direction.
Ryoga chased after him.
It was how he'd ended up where he was, half an hour later, with a bunch of strange looking people hovering over him.
"What happened to him?"
"I don't know...Saranth?"
"I'm not sure...I changed to a humanoid form, and he passed out...."
"Interesting."
"This is no time to be coy, Markee."
"Understood, Lupe."
"Well? What the hell are we going to do with him? Manthings...ugh, how do these things mate? They aren't actually *attracted* to each other, are they?"
"I think he's beautiful."
"You would."
"Shh! He's coming 'round...."
"Where on Earth am I? Oh, Kami...I *am* still on Earth, aren't I?"
"What's he saying?"
"It's Japanese...."
"Do you speak it?"
"Of course...it's part of the 'Earth Basics' course. Geez, where were you during sixth grade?"
"Stuff it."
"Look, someone has to talk to him...."
"Okay, okay. Hi. My name's Xianos. What's yours?"
"Ryoga Hibiki...what happened?"
"That's what we're trying to discern...."
For a moment, Ranma just hung back and listened.
He'd lost Ryoga, of course, and backtrakced, but had expected to find him alone, and certainly not surrounded by these strange people. Suspicious, somewhat fearful, he counted the possible foes and made a guess at their power levels. He didn't like the look of that big male, the one with the bronzed skin. But he got the feeling that one wasn't the one to be nervous of. The shorter, slender, silver-haired female who stood back and watched them with a sort of protective attitude; she was the one to be nervous of, though he wasn't quite sure why.
Her face twisted a little as she listened to Ryoga, though the lost boy was speaking so faintly that Ranma couldn't make out why. Thin age lines ran around the outskirts of her narrowed almond-shaped eyes, darkened by the scarce lighting of the clearing. She drummed her fingers along her forearm with an air of equal patience and impatience.
The one who was speaking with Ryoga, green hair and like-toned skin, seemed to be worried over their conversation, but for the life of him, Ranma couldn't imagine why. His suspicions began to ferment and bubble, and he went taunt against the tree trunk, not even conscious of the instinct to pray to kami that he not be discovered. Praying had very little effect, he'd discovered, as, with the voices in his head, he doubted his words got through very clearly.
Even now, it was so hard to think. Emotions cut through thoughts easily, and so he was anything but shut down; he just couldn't force his mind into working order and formulate any kind of plan of action. So he stayed, in his relative safety, and waited.
* * * *
"...And that's when he ran off. I'm afraid I don't have a very good sense of direction, so I followed him and got lost." Casting his eyes downwards, and then suddenly around at the grouped people with a nervous light, it abruptly occured to Ryoga that Ranma probably wouldn't appreciate even as little as he had said.
"I see. So, this is why you encroached upon our camp, I assume?"
"Yes...I didn't mean to," he added, her tone causing his hair to stand on end. He watched the strange-looking girl shot her eyes around the others gathered, as though making some silent decision among them.
He swallowed. Hard.
"That's perfectly all right." The silver-haired one interrupted the previous speaker. Although this earned her a sharp-looking glare from the self-proclamed Xianos, the younger girl did not argue. "I wonder...do you think you could bring your little friend here to meet with us, perhaps?"
"I suppose," he said, slowly and non-commitly.
"Good. He's over there, watching us." The silver-haired woman made an off-handed, discreet gesture. "I think it would be best if you went and got him yourself, don't you?"
"...I guess."
* * * *
"What on Earth was that, Lupe?" Kilous, green eyes flashing, demanded. His voice was hard from betrayal and confusion.
She sighed dismissively. Kilous was impetious, and had yet to learn the full weight of most situations. He hated it when he couldn't understand her orders.
Xianos made appeasing gestures to him. "Please, Brother, I'm sure Lupe has her reasons."
Xianos was a good little one. Learning in the shadow of Markee, her flaw was an unwavering faith in her leader's decisions.
"I do indeed. They have seen us," and here, she directed a sharp look towards Saranth, who accordingly lowered her head, "and we must ensure that they...let it slip their human minds. As soon as we can discern why they change as they do, I would give them a standard mind-wipe, and send them back to their native country."
Markee sighed. "He made his companion sound awfully unstable, Lupe."
"That is not our concern, Markee. If you are really so frightened of them, you may wait within the silow."
Markee shot a disgusted look back at the cave. "I am frightened of no manthing," she spat bitterly.
For the hundredth time, Lupe wondered what ever had possessed Markee to come along on this. Expert on humans or not, she clearly hated the things. Maybe she felt different about studying them than she did making actual contact.
"I thought as much."
"The manthing approaches," Whilst advised in darkened tones.
And that he did. Like his companion, of equal complexion and hair color, suggesting that they were indeed of the same heritage. But his eyes were gleaming blue, and shadowed with mistrust he carried. He looked no more open to long discussion than a clam, and flicked his braided hair over one shoulder as he sat heavily.
"What? What the hell do you want?" he asked, looking directly at her with much less than the reverence she was accustomed to.
"The hell part is inacurate," Markee answered for her, looking at the boy with equal venom. "As for wanting, all we want from you is to know how you made your changes."
He looked confused. As with Kilous, confusion soon gave way to anger. "What changes? Have you creeps been spying on us?"
This had not occured to the other boy, who whipped his head around at the suggestion.
"Not spying," she interrupted Markee's caustic retort. "Watching humans is our business. And you are...adnormal specimins. All we wish is a single answer."
The boy responded by lunging at her. Perhaps he had run out of more articulate responses. His eyes widened about .7 seconds into the attack, as she began to shift rapidly. He tried to pull out, and only succeeded in not hitting her very hard. Not as though it mattered to Lupe, who now clocked at about fifteen feet, having shifted form to an oak tree she remembered fondly from their stay on the continent known as "North America".
Standing up, rubbing his undoubtably bruised shin, he shot her an angered look, and growled out, "What the hell was that?"
The other boy went and sat by him, restraining him until his rage passed, and holding him when he broke down into tears.
The once-more-humanoid Lupe blinked, mostly in unision with her pack. Unstable, the Markee had said. Unstable indeed. What could she do now? What could she say? How were they to get these two talking?
"You said you just wanted to know about our changes?" the bandanna'd boy asked quietly, still cradeling his other. "It's just a Jusenkyo curse. We picked them up here, actually. There's this training ground...."
* * * *
"Well, that was a lot of garbadge," Whilst grumbled.
Xianos clouted him across the cheek. "We asked the impossible, and we received an answer to match."
"We could take you there," Ryoga offered quietly. "Or at least, Ranma can, if you really want."
"Sounds like an interesting place to study," Markee perked up, rubbing her hands together.
"I agree," Lupe murmured. "And we're already in China...I doubt our supervisors would mind iff we changed locations slightly." To the boy, she added, "We accept."
* * * *
In one of his "good" moods, Ranma did agree to take them. After giving them the location of the place, both boys were surprised when they simply vanished and reappeared again, on Jusenkyo's banks.
Ranma sighed, looking at it with something akin to depression. "Well, there you are. Any questions?"
There were, but not many. It was the guide who had questions, as he came out and discovered two customers and a bunch of strangers on his property.
"You come back, Sirs?" he asked in his broken Japanese, eyeing them doubtfully.
It suddenly occured to Ryoga where they were, and he nodded and asked to be pointed to the spring of drowned boy.
A pause. Then the guide shrugged. "I no know which spring is which until someone fall in it," he admitted sadly. "No one fall in Nanniichaun in over hundred years."
For a moment, Ryoga was depressed. Then he dug around in the underbrush a little, grabbed a rabbit by the ears, and asked which springs no one had yet fallen into.
About twenty minutes later, a very annoyed rabbit went off again, after having found the spring of drowned rabbit. And the boys went into the now-known spring.
The wolf pack just stood back, watched, and sweatdropped in unison. With the exception of Markee, who was making notes furiously.
Lupe sighed. There obviously wasn't anything out of the ordinary with either Japanese boy, not anymore, so the clearest solution was to give each a mindwipe and send them home again. A brief meeting was held, and even Kilous agreed that they were free to go.
The last any of the pack members saw of either Ranma or Ryoga was when they shimmered out of sight.
It had been a long time. A long time since he'd seen this house last, and a longer time since he'd set foot inside. Fate seemed to like tormenting him that way, letting him get almost within the house before transporting him to Hokkaido or somewhere even worse.
Ranma clung to him as they went up the stone work that led to the front door. It had looked like some serious convincing was going to be in order to bring him back here, but Ranma had just stomped his foot irritably, and then broken down sobbing, and grabbing for him like an abandoned child. It hurt to watch.
No, instead of making any kind of protests, Ranma begged him insesently, whimpering a little louder with every step that no longer separated them from the Tendo residence.
"Please, please don't make me go in there," he whispered, while holding Ryoga so tightly that there was no hope of detatching him.
"Ranma," he tried gently in return, wrapping an arm around his companion's shoulder, and trying not to tear up a little himself when Ranma jerked away from his touch, then pressed back again insistently. "Ranma," he repeated, "please, let's just go in. You'll feel better. And I think you owe that much to your foster family."
Ranma wiped his nose self-consciously, and whimpered.
With a sigh and a heavy heart, he knocked on the door regardless, and waited.
There was a pause, and then a shrill, tired, feminine voice called, "I'm coming."
Another pause before the door opened.
"Hello, what can I...oh, it's *you*," the girl in her wheelchair spat. She whirled around in place and practically screamed, "He's back!!" up the stairs.
Ryoga blinked. He wondered for a moment if he had the right house. He didn't recognize this girl one bit.
Ranma shivered against him, and seemed to withdraw and curl up. On his face was fear, anger, hatred, pity, remorse, fear again, all in that order. His eyes were dancing frantically, and he whispered to himself, "Run, stay, leave, stay, help, run...." like a mantra.
This was not the reunion he'd expected.
The girl glared at them while he attempted to find the extent of her injuries. Her legs were in braces, one wrapped tightly in gauze bangages, so they probably weren't paralyzed. One arm was in a sling, but a temporary, home-made one. The most worrisom was the brace around her neck. And, even in this condition, he could not help feeling that she held a great deal of danger for them both.
"Miss?" he asked quietly.
She looked at him sharply, and loosened her neck brace a little. "You aren't his lawyer," she stated matter-of-factly, as she ripped the brace free, and moved the sling aside. In a cocky manner, she slipped her legs free and crossed them. "No, you aren't." She fingered her inky tresses a moment, and looked at him consideringly. "Ryoga, right? You've changed a little. Didn't expect to see you wearing *his* clothes."
True enough. The last good pair he'd had, he'd gotten wet when they jumped the Nanniichaun together. So he'd changed into a pair of lenders, green shirt and a plain pair of dark slacks.
"I suppose I have. And you...." His mind reeled suddenly, because she looked so much like...but Ranma had said....
Ranma's insane, he reminded himself with a heavy sigh. Although, why he'd convinced himself he'd killed Akane was a real question.
"Hi, Kaneda," Ranma greeted mutely.
The girl glared at him. "Stop calling me that! Dammit, Ranma, I'm *Akane*, do you hear me?!"
Yes, it was her. She'd grown her hair out a little, but it was her.
"Whatever you say," Ranma replied, eyebrows raised. "Kaneda."
"AKANE."
"Akane's dead."
"No. I'm. NOT!! Look, wherever the hell you went, just get your sorry ass back there. I don't want to deal with this right now."
"Right."
Ryoga looked from one to the other. He really would have liked to know who "Kaneda" was. And why Ranma thought Akane was she. But he got the feeling this wasn't the time.
Gently, he reached out to Akane. "Look. He's only here to say goodbye. He's got problems, Akane. And we're going to get him some help. You can be for it, or against it."
"Of COURSE I'm against it!!" Akane shrieked. She looked at Ranma with a level of disgust. "The bastard ought to get the chair for what he tried to do to me." She smirked, and adressed Ranma personally for the first time. "Hey, if you're looking for your worthless father, my Dad sent him packing LONG ago. I think he went back to visit with your mom. Of course, once she found out, they both commited hara-kiri. Good riddence."
He turned, startled, and watched the mortification that ran across Ranma's face.
"You take that back," he whispered desperately.
"I wont," she retorted coldly. "I would've done it too, if you were *my* poor excuse for a son."
Akane may have been a bit startled when she felt Ryoga's blow connect, but if so, she didn't show it. She just fell to the ground, unconscious, blood coming from her parted lips.
"I hope that killed her." Ryoga growled out. "Come on, Ranma. We don't have anything more to do here."
Ranma trailed behind him adoringly. "Thanks, Ryo-kun," he purred. Sapphirine eyes so large and empty of anything else but the love he'd made his grip on reality.
"Forget about it."
"I really hate that Kaneda-bitch. She's even worse than Akane was."
Ryoga decided not to contradict this statement. He just had to get Ranma as far away from that house as possible.
-
"Tofu-sensei?"
The named man looked up, and smiled weakly. "Ryoga-kun, Ranma-kun. How nice to see you again." It sounded a little strained.
"No need for the small talk, Sensei. I'm just here to ask if you would reccommend any sanitariums around here."
-
"He's what?"
The okonomiyaki stopped midpreperation, and landed on the floor with an unimpressive mushy sound.
"Shampoo say, 'Saw Ranma go in big building with Pig Boy.' Building say something like, 'happy place', not sure."
"Oh, man. Sounds like a nuthouse," Ukyo muttered in response.
"That's not very politically correct of you, Dear," Kodachi argued with a sigh.
The three had taken to spending their evenings here. Since Ranma's disappearance, none of them had anything better to do, and had managed to salvage something like friendship in the process.
"Aw, fuck PC. I can't have my Ran-chan...."
"Let's not start that again," Kodachi interrupted. Then smiled a little. "Consider, please, Dear. There must be a reason for their visit."
"You mean, like Ranma-honey's attempted homocide?"
"Something to that effect, yes. I think it best that we leave them be."
Ukyo started to argue, but was interrupted again.
"Flower Girl right, Ukyo. Ranma not in own mind. Not been for long time. Good luck to him, getting better."
Another sigh. They both had their points. With a deep, long-suffering moan, Ukyo let up on her private fantasy of marrying Ranma. For good. There was really no point in chasing after someone in his condition, anyway. She would visit him, of course, but for moral support as opposed to anything else. It was better that way.
She blinked, frowning in sudden premonition. Those words sounded terribly familiar.
end.
BOYS' NIGHT OUT
epilogueI spent all morning screaming. That's why they won't leave me alone. But I like screaming. Hurts my throat, but it helps me let things out, and let things go.
They didn't want to let him see me. They think I'm likely to attack him, but they're idiots. I only attack people I don't like.
They gave me more of that medicine before they'd let him in, though. It made the room spin, like it always does. I would never hurt them. I wish they trusted me, because it's hard to remember the times I spend with him when the medicine is working.
I gotta admit though, I haven't given them a lot of reason for trusting me. I keep hurting the people they send in to talk to me. But that shouldn't surprise them. They said they wouldn't ever let me see him again, and I need him. Now more than ever.
The people who wanna talk to me always talk to me about Akane. Like I care about that bitch. She's better off dead, if you ask me. Always hurting me. Always hurting him, but it was different when she hurt him. She acted like she didn't know what she was doing, and just smiled all the time. Like she couldn't see how much he loved her. She didn't deserve him, she didn't even deserve sleeping with his pig form.
I hafta hold my head now. It still hurts when I think about stuff like that. Pop was really careful about that. Didn't want me ever thinking about guys like I do, about Akane like I did. I can almost feel him hitting me, but that's what his stupid technique was supposed to do.
I didn't know it at the time. I've been doing a bit of research since, and one of the things I checked up on was the damned Neko-ken business. I always thought it was kinda funny that he never read anymore of that page than just, "This method has been banned for causing severe psychological distress." Like that's really all they'd put on a page.
I finally got my hands on it recently, and I wish I'd killed him, too. The bastard did this to me on purpose. I should've known he was helping the walls and the kitties. That was what the technique was *supposed* to do.
It was a nice convinent way to drive me crazy.
When I'm in the Neko-ken, I get really easy to influence. Hypnotic suggestion, the books call it. He used to drive me into it intentionally, use some pressure points ta make me easier to contain, and give me a bunch of them suggestions. It's what he used ta keep me from leaving him long ago. What he used so that I could never tell Ryoga how I felt about him.
He's a sneaky bastard, ain't he?
He made all the voices in my head. That's one good thing about the medicine, it makes the voices go away. But then, drinking does that too.
The way the doctors keep explaining it, some of the voices were just echoes of me. Some of them were his, put in there intentionally. Some of them were just things I'd made up myself over the years. They're right about one thing; there were less voices in the beginning.
So when I went away from them, all of them, his programming started wearing thin. I'd always known I loved him, I just couldn't say it, or even admit it to myself. And he used some nasty tricky ones to keep me from telling anyone I was gay. Ones that just kept telling me that it was wrong.
That's why he used the technique in the beginning. When I was little, and with U-chan and everything, I figured that U-chan really liked me. And when Pops asked me which I liked better, I told him U-chan, and that I wanted to marry him someday.
Pops went kinda quiet, and stared off into the distance for a bit. Then he nodded slowly, and asked me a bunch of questions that for the life of me, for *Ryo-kun's* life, I can't remember. Doctors say it's more editing of his. No wonder I didn't remember having that conversation with him when he brought it up.
But he took me away from U-chan *real* quick. Heck, he didn't even know if Mr. Tendo *had* a daughter back then. He just wanted to get me away from U-chan, and all of the "unmanly" influences. Frankly, he thought she was a guy, too, since he didn't pay much attention, and figured I would know, until her dad brought it up. At first, Pops was absolutely speechless, wondering whether the old guy'd flipped his wig, thinking me an' U-chan could carry on *anything*. Then he called U-chan a "daughter", and Pops agreed.
Then thought better of it, since it made me happy.
Yeah, we took off. There was more after that, some stuff I can't really remember --but it's getting easier all the time-- lots of boys I thought were cute, and Dad jerking me away before I had a chance to develop anything "improper" with any of 'em. I think he was more thinking about Mom's promise than me, 'cause I don't think the bastard has a shred of morals anywhere on his body.
That's when he decided to use the Neko-ken. Even if it didn't work like it was supposed to, it would make me a better martial artist, and that's all Pops really cares about.
That's why he hasn't contacted me or visited me or even tried to affect where I ended up. Soon as he realized I was nuts, he knew I wouldn't be able to be a martial artist anymore. I think I almost hate him as much as Kaneda seems to hate me. But I'd rather he was torn apart by a pack of wolves than die like that.
Pack of wolves. Hmm.
Anyhow, I still don't like the thought of him and Mom dying just 'cause they can't accept what they've done to me.
He's coming to visit me again today. I love him. Kami preserve us all, but I love him. He's so beautiful, so perfect.
Seeing him always makes me doubly glad I killed her. Stupid Akane. Interfering bitch. She had him trapped. But now he's mine. I love him. And she can't have him back again. Never.
*She's* all that's left. Kaneda, I call her. I killed Akane Tendo, but she came back. Just like one of those damned cats. Except that she didn't quite come back. She's like a different person.
None of them see it, because she doesn't want them to. But her ki pattern's all different. Lots of black and red, dark, dark, blood red. Used to be blue and yellow and red. I don't know what killing did to her, but that ain't Akane. Might be one of those "Akanenniichaun" replicas, but it ain't Akane. Not by half.
Still, she's fooling them. I think she hates me 'cause I know. I know it ain't her. I killed her, killed her dead. Left her bleeding all over the place. It might have just been a nightmare, but that ain't her, all the same. She's almost as crazy as me. I wonder when they'll notice. I hope they don't put her in here with me.
Then again, maybe she was always this nutty, and I never noticed. I didn't really care about Akane. Or any of them, really. My body's just been on autopilot. I don't know where the other *Ranma* went, either.
And I hope he never comes back. Because *I* love Ryoga. And *he* loved Ryoga.
He just couldn't admit it.
I've come to understand some of what's happened to me. I don't like it. But I understand it. I wish things were different, because as much as I love it when he comes to visit, it isn't the same. Isn't the same as being free.
And I need to be free.
-
Today's a weekday. I'm not sure which one. I only know that I'm in Nerima, so I can go and see him today. Because it's a weekday, and I can go there on weekdays.
I don't really understand why I can't go on weekends, but I accept it. There's a lot to sort out between us, and I don't need another bastard doctor coming between us, wasting my time when nothing I say will change anything.
He smiles at me, as they open the door. They have to pull back this heavy bolt, because he's very strong and unstable. They tell me that he uses most of his energy trying to hurt himself, not other people, but that it's a necessary precaution.
I go in. I've signed all the wavers, so I can take off the straightjacket without anyone going ballistic. Though they do look worried. Vaguely worried. Detached kind of worry. But I'd rather they were detached than obsessive. Ranma doesn't need anyone telling him what to think right now.
A few straps, and he's free. He hugs me, of course. He always does. Hugs me and tells me he loves me.
Loves me with those large, empty, sparkling blue eyes. The kind of eyes you have when you've got a fever. Like he's not completely there, and I've come to understand that he isn't. Seeing me is different for him than seeing him is for me. My presence makes him happy. I love him. Yes, there is a difference.
I wish I could see the other Ranma. The one they say is so violent, the one they say will only hurt me. I vow to myself that I will visit with *that* Ranma, because that is the Ranma that needs me.
"How are you?" I ask. One of a thousand questions I ask daily.
He smiles a vacuous smile to match his eyes, and says, "Well enough. How about you?"
"I'm all right." And we launch into the same things we launch into every time.
I should leave him. Realilistically. I should find someone I can really love, who can really love me in return. But I can't help it. My love is the only hope he has in this world, and, after seeing the sort of strain coming to get help has caused, I think that he really loves me. I've never had that kind of devotion before. And honestly, I think I love him in return.
I won't talk about Akane. Hearing the way she talks about him, seeing the way she acts around her family.... It hurts me. Causes me a kind of pain that Ranma doesn't need right now.
I won't talk about his *father* either. All that I can say is that I privately agree with Akane. If he's gone off and commited suicide, so much the better for him. I would kill him with my bare hands, but she is right, he does seem to have vanished into thin air. I watch the news now in hopes of news that he has died somehow. Privately, I entertain the thought that he would deserved to drown as a panda. That creature should be the one alive, and he the one who drowned in that spring. But then, some people might have the terrible misfortune of turning into him whenever splashed with cold water.
Ukyo, I will talk about. Currently, I'm unofficially residing with her. She goes to look in on Ranma from time to time, and asks about him constantly. But she isn't brave enough to go in there with him, as much as she would like it. He scares her too much.
Can't say I blame her, but I survived with Ranma for several nights before he was reduced to this *thing*. I don't believe he would ever harm me. And I would never harm him. Yes, I think I might love him.
We talk a little more, and he is clutching a stuffed animal to his chest. At first I thougt it was a pillow, but it's a stuffed animal, clearly. A teddy bear, tiger-striped pattern, and looks hand-made. I think I recognize the pattern from something Kasumi was knitting the other day, and I suppose this is what she was making. I ask to see it, and he looks a little cautious, then nods happily and hands it over.
Yes, it is a teddy bear. It already looks old, and I suspect that he hasn't let it out of his arms for more than a few seconds. Even watching me hold it is a visible strain for him. He reaches out to take it back, and I had it quietly.
It's only then that I notice "Charlotte" hand-stitched on its hind leg. I have to smile a little.
I offer a hug to him, and he looks immediately wary, for this is the routine I use when it's time for me to leave. I shake my head a little, and tell him that I'm not leaving for the day, just for a moment. He nods, looking a little confused, and hugs me.
Then I leave the room, turn to the medical staff who are irritated that I didn't re-straightjacket him, and tell them that I want to talk to him off of the medicine, asking how long it will last.
They stare at me in utter disbelief, and I say that whatever they want me to sign, I will. I really don't care if he rips me to little pieces, but if I tell them that, they might put *me* away here, too.
Grudgingly, they decide to allow it, and they do make me sign an awful lot of things. They say they need to give him a booster every two to three hours, so he should be coming around in about an hour, if not sooner. I nod in understanding, and go back in, though they're obviously nervous about opening the door with him in there and free.
I go across the mats to talk to him. I have to be honest with myself; I haven't done this before because he scares me at least as much as he scares Ukyo. But I will do it. He needs me to do it. I can feel it in every adoring look I get from those glass eyes. Even if he says he hates me when he comes out of it, I would prefer that to this.
I wait, talk to him of many things, and hope to see some change in him already, since I've decided to play with the kid gloves off. There is none, of course. Just vacuous eyes that glitter.
The time passes slowly, I won't lie, before he starts to come out of it. I can't remember what all we talk about. Just a lot of the same pointless drivel we always talk about. I wish privately that I'd brought a book or something to entertain myself with while he winds down.
It started after I lied about Akane being fine. He sort of twitched, and gritted his teeth, obviously trying to keep something under control. I braced myself, but then he went back to smiling.
I pressed on with the topic of Akane, and his father and mother, because they had the most reactions. He kept twitching. Screwing his mouth up. Growling lowly.
And then, indeed about an hour later, I realized that all the glittery glassyness had gone out of his eyes. He was regarding me coldly, deliberately, and analitically. Watching me move with some of the familiar detachment and animosity, a strange blend when you think on it.
Then he whispered, "Hello, Ryo-kun." And it was very, very different from our previous discussions. "You'd better go soon. I'm surprised they haven't called you out already." A sickening smile. "Hasn't anyone told you? I'm a dangerous psychopath. I might kill you."
I shook my head, trying to keep my breathing even. This was what I'd been waiting for! This was the man I loved. Even if it was hard to stomach, this was him. And he was so very intense, and so very intentionally erotic. And I wanted so very much to stand and go over and kiss him, and I wanted so very much to run for the door. My heartbeat was hammering terribly, as it had been during the nightmare in the woods. This was him; this was him indeed. If anything, he was a little calmer, and a little more intense.
"No, I don't think you will. You can kill me, certainly. But I don't think it will really accomplish you anything."
"I'm crazy. Our motives don't have to make sense."
"You're not crazy. You're sick. That's why you're here, Ranma. And I promise, with every fiber of my being, that I will see you well, and out of here." Another promise that I would regret making. Another promise that would be difficult, if not impossible, to keep.
He cocked an eyebrow at me. "Will you, then. Well, you're welcome to go ahead and try." He sounds cynical, but there is a light in his eyes that wasn't there a moment ago. "What about Akane-chan? You going to marry her, or something? Heh. Go ahead. You have my blessings. She was such a goddamned bitch."
And even as he says this, I can tell that a word from me in that direction and his heart would lie in pieces on the floor.
"No. I've no intention of marrying Akane. I'm not going to marry anyone, Ranma. Save perhaps you, if you were willing to play female for it. I love you, Ranma. And I'm not going to stop just because of a lot of crap that isn't your fault."
"Isn't my fault?" he breathed evenly, and his smile flickered uncertainly, and vanished. "What isn't my fault?"
"Any of this. Your father was a bastard, and your mother has never given any hint that she minds it. I sure hope she has a lot of maternal love, because it's going to *take* a lot to make up for your bastard of a father."
I can see that he agrees with me. But he frowns deeply, and says, "He wasn't that bad. I'm a wimp, Ryoga. I couldn't take it. I should have been able to, but I couldn't even handle *one* iinazuke, let alone ten or twenty of them."
"That's not true," I told him firmly. "You shouldn't have *had* to deal with it. It's no wonder you cracked under the strain. You're very strong, Ranma, and I admire that. But these problems are not something that strength can fix."
He looks like he might be about to cry, then he pushes it away. "What good is strength if it can't fix things?" he asked softly, and I don't think he was really speaking to me.
"Nothing can 'fix' things, Ranma. Sometimes, bad things happen. We can't do anything about that; we can only work around them in the present."
I am a firm believer in love being the best therapy. Too bad Ranma's parents don't seem to agree. I offered him my arms, then, and this Ranma, unlike the other, looked at me suspiciously, like there might be claws hiding under my shirt.
On a whim, I take my shirt off. Now it's just skin he has to fear. I can see he's still a little dubious, but I hold my position, and say:
"Wouldn't you feel better with a hug?"
He snorts, his father's influence showing yet again. "A hug, he says. Wouldn't that look kind of strange, two guys hugging?"
I shrug. "I love you. What's the matter with looking strange?"
He looks a little taken aback, and scoots away from me. "That's wrong," he breathes out, and I can tell he's uncomfortable. Something inside his head is fighting me. Fighting himself.
"What's wrong with love?" I ask innocently.
He looks confused now, but still strained. "But we're both men!"
Avoiding the question. "That wasn't what I asked. I asked, 'What's wrong with love?'"
His breaking point. "Wrong," he repeats harshly, and pulls away across the room, looking desperate as a cornered animal.
I back off a little. "Who told you that?" I ask, dropping my arms to my sides. "It was your father, wasn't it?"
He shakes his head, then nods, then whimpers softly, and backs all the way into the corner, hugging his knees and looking at me. He wants to look away, he really really does; you can see it in his eyes. But he's transfixed by something, my words, my eyes, or both.
"He said it's wrong.... Said...."
I moved over slowly, telegraphing my moves as I did so. And touched him gently, hugged him to me, kissed him softly, then looked into his eyes firmly.
"Does this feel wrong?"
That does it. He throws his arms around me, sobbing desperately in low tones, arguing with voices only he can hear.
Then he mumbles something about being free. I smile a little, still holding him and letting him cry against me.
Ranma once told me his freedom is very important to him. I look forward to the day when he can leave for good, because, though it's not approaching rapidly by any means --he still has so much he needs to sort out-- it will be here someday. It will only take time.
And time is something I have in abundance.
~fin~
--SilverFox
C&C? *whimpery puppy-dog eyes* Pleeeeeeeeeease?
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