Okay, don't mind me. Heheheheh.

This is a serious, disturbing, angsty kind of story.

Which is why funny scenes kept popping into my head.

I couldn't put them in, they ruined plot development, etc. But here, for your amusement (I hope), I have collected the joke scenes. Just think of them as directions my mind could have gone and did, but then deleted. There is one for each part, and I will probably keep adding new ones to this as I go along, reposting it at the end.

JOKE SCENE CHAPTER ONE

So now he wandered, still in the nameless, borderless forest, for all he knew tracing circles deeper into it. And that was when the person came along.

He skirted away, hiding in the brush, knowing that a night like this one made fresh meat excruciatingly appealing, and waited for the person to pass.

It was only then that he recognized the trademark black slippers and matching baggy pants, the pair with the little white bows facing out. While he didn't much think of Ranma as preferred company, at least he wasn't lible to make pork cutlets without pouring hot water on him.

This Ryoga had learned on that camping trip a month ago. Ranma had caught something or other, Ryoga couldn't remember what at the moment, and he'd been setting up plates and everything, to find Ranma with a kettle on, holding the terrified creature down by its tail feathers. Right. It had been a bird. He had asked what the hold-up was, and Ranma made no reply, save to empty a little of the water onto the bird's head.

The bird instantly changed shape, becoming a gorgeous blonde, who then fell naked in Ranma's lap.

Ranma blinked. Ryoga gagged and looked away, blushing furiously and pulling one of the napkins to his nose to stop the blood flow, pinching it above the bridge.

"Oh, thank you!" the blonde chirped, wrapping her arms tightly around Ranma and squeezing the life near out of him. "How did you do that? I've been trapped in that body for so long!!"

Ranma eeped and stuttered out, "Y -- you're...you're we -- welcome...."

The blonde sniffed. "I suppose you want to hear my tragic story."

"Uh, no thank you, we've got enough of it oursel--"

Now she sobbed dramatically. "When I was born, I was so beautiful that my stepmother just couldn't take it. She tired everything, poisoned apples, magic girdles, everything! I ran away to China and lived with some midgets by a place they called Jusenkyo. My stepmother came after me, and chased me into a pond. She was planning, apparently, to get me to wear these shoes that burned your feet off, but she just got lucky. When I resurfaced, I was that feathery thing you saw before."

"A bird?" Ranma suggested.

"Yes, that's it. Birrrrrd." She said the word slowly, frowning.

"How did you learn Japanese?"

"Convient plot hole," she responded.

"Ah. I see. Could you--"

"How can I ever repay you? Oh, wait. That's right. Since you broke the spell, you get my hand in marriage!"

Ryoga yelped. "What?!"

Ranma sighed. "Take a number, sister. Look, I'm afraid I really can't marry you. I've got four other iinazukes to get rid of, and I really don't need another. I hope--"

But the girl wasn't listening. "I'm a princess, you know. I'm sure that you, being that the one who frees me can only be my true and fortold of love, must be a prince as well. When can we move into your kingdom, beloved?"

"Kingdom? Listen, lady, you've got this all wrong...."

She looked shocked. "No kingdom?" Then frowned, pressing one long pink nail against her cheek. "That won't do, that won't do at all. Hmm." Then, brightly, "I'll be a mary-kay saleswoman, and a supermodel part time. I'm sure that eventually, we can make enough money to--"

Ranma, who was looking more and more horrified with each passing second, grabbed hold of a waterbottle and doused the rambling girl. When she had returned to bird form, he snapped her neck, then turned to look at Ryoga.

"What? I'm just putting her out of her misery."

JOKE SCENE CHAPTER TWO (my longest one thus far ^_^)

The smile on Ranma's face froze. Cracked. Reinforced itself. Tightened.

"Akane? Yeah. Could say that." He looked distinctly ill. "Look, can we talk about something else?"

"What happened between you two?"

Ranma's guard crumbled completely. His color went ash. "Nothing. Just...nothing. Look, we had an...an argument. It ended. Badly. I don't...." His eyes burned into the ground. "Please," he whispered.

"Please, can we talk about something else?"

"Yeah," Ryoga finally conceeded. His expression felt strained. "Yeah, of course we can. Sorry, I didn't.... Sorry." Sounded like a break-up, maybe. It would explain Ranma's behavior, but it didn't explain his being out here, camping by himself. Maybe he was trying to clear his head?

If so, my presence probably doesn't help much, he realized bitterly. I should go....

With a sigh, he got to his feet and turned to leave camp.

Ranma yelped and jumped to his own feet, all traces of depression vanishing. "Where are you going?!"

"Home," he responded with a shrug. "You obviously don't want me around.

"What?! No, man, you can't leave now! What about the mystery and the angst this fic is supposed to develop?"

"Screw it. I'm tired of this. First Trakal, then Jenn, and now this. I'm sick of it. I'm going on strike. No more angst for me. Not for a whole month. I need a vacation."

SilverFox dashed onto the scene, making appeasing gestures at the film crew. "Ryo-kun, baby, you can't do this to me!"

He snorted. "Watch me, Fox-san. I'll be back in a month."

Ranma whimpered, putting on his puppy-dog face. "But what about the readers?"

"To hell with them. There's plenty other angst out there to tide them over until this is back in session." Ryoga started off resolutely.

Ranma looked at SilverFox desperately, then ran after Ryoga and wrapped his arms around the lost boy's ankle. "But what about the wolf pack? We're adding new characters here! You can't just leave *them* hanging! Where are they supposed to go for work?"

Ryoga shook his foot irritably, hopping and trying to release Ranma's hold on him manually. "Magic acts, The Fox Network, I don't care. Actually, they might have something there. When werewolves attack."

Ranma made a whining noise, as Ryoga managed to detatch him. He took a deep breath, and ran up again to jump on Ryoga's back. Whispering in his ear, he asked:

"What about our lemon scene?"

Ryoga blinked. Then blinked again. He looked up at Ranma, expression somewhere between fear and hope. "You -- you really want to...?"

Ranma laughed. "Of course I do! Geez, you are so hopeless, you know that? Is Nabiki the *only* one aware of the subtext in our lives?"

Ryoga paused. Then turned around, sighed, helped Ranma down from his back with a quick peck on the lips for his suggestion, and rolled up his sleeves. "What are we waiting for? Let's get the angst on!"

JOKE SCENE CHAPTER THREE

It was a long moment before he stiffened, got a hold of himself, and pushed Ryoga away. He muttered an apology, and then turned stiffly, opened the tent flap, and dove inside, zipping it up again behind him.

Ryoga sighed deeply, clawed at the earth with one hand in frustration, and then stood, and unzipped the tent again. As much as part of him was afraid of what he might see, the rest of him was afraid of what leaving Ranma alone might result in. He shivered a little in preperation.

Ranma was sitting, docile and content, in lotus position, his eyes firmly shut, and when Ryoga entered, and moved a hand to touch his arm, he made no response. Only continued to breathe deeply.

"Ranma?"

Nothing.

"Ramna?"

Still, nothing.

"Ranma!"

More nothing.

Ryoga sighed miserably. Shook his head for what felt like the millionth time and probably was. And decided to do the one thing that he felt was guaranteed to snap Ranma out of this. He leaned forward, and kissed Ranma on the mouth.

Ranma's eyes snapped open, and he stared at Ryoga for a half second before responding, delving his tongue between Ryoga's lips, forcing Ryoga onto his back, forcing his tongue down that throat as far as it would go. Ryoga gasped sharply, tried to move away, but Ranma was having none of it, pinning him down firmly with a strength that surprised Ryoga. Still, he could have broken the hold any time he wanted to.

So why wasn't he?

Now, enraged at the arousal that was growing steadily, he grabbed Ranma around the neck, intending to remove him. It didn't quite work that way, as his momentum only managed to topple them, leaving Ranma lying on his back, lying on Ryoga's arms with all his weight, and utterly trapping the lost boy.

Panicked, terrified, he pushed against Ranma's chest with all his strength, and managed to pry Ranma off of him. He looked over shakily, and found Ranma chuckling softly to himself.

"What're you laughing about?" he demanded, surprised by the indignation and pain in his own voice.

Ranma just shook his head, and laughed some more. He pointed at Ryoga off-handedly, and, smirking, responded, "You're a much better kisser than I would've figured, Ryoga."

Blushing scarlet, Ryoga looked away, the enormity of their actions hitting him like a painful slap. He turned to look at Ranma sadly, then angrily. "What the hell was that, Ranma?"

Ranma shrugged. "The writer got bored."

JOKE SCENE CHAPTER FOUR

"It's about Akane, Ryoga. You were right. Something did happen to her."

Ryoga looked...horrified and concered, and his dark eyes wavered, and he hesitated, before breathing out, "What? What, Ranma?"

He knows. He already knows. He's always known, maybe.

The tide of voices was rising again. Filling his head. Worried, nervous. Too loud.

Still, he clutched the sides of his head and moaned out softly, "She's dead, Ryoga. I killed her."

Ryoga blinked. "You what?"

Ranma sighed. "Well, it wasn't intentional.... It was an accident. It was after one of her cooking experiments. I swear, that thing was more sentient that some *people* I know. I know I shoulda never left her alone with it, but I wasn't too worried. After all, it was only food. But ten minutes later, I heard screaming. I ran in there, and she was there, covered in the gunk her creation had been made out of. I made some sarcastic comment, and she started chasing me. But the floor was so slippery, and she slipped, and skidded, and--"

"--And died?" Ryoga asked, looking sickened. He sighed. "It isn't your fault, you know. She just slipped. Kind of ironic, actually."

"No, no, no! I haven't gotten to it yet. Anyway, she slipped, and she hit the counter, and dislodged one of the knives Kasumi keeps in a rack. I caught it before it could hit her, but she grabbed my hand, screaming in some strange language, and attacked me. She was acting all possessed, eyes glowing red and stuff. I didn't have any other choice. I slipped the knife into her heart, and then cut her body up into little pieces." He sobbed miserably. "The blood was everywhere, everywhere! It ruined my favorite shirt!!"

Ryoga didn't quite know what to say to that. Fortunately, he was cut off by a silky voice interjecting from across the campsite.

"That's right, Ranma. You killed me. Didn't you?"

Both boys looked up, and Ranma's expression was one of shock and horror.

"Akane!"

And she was. Standing there, still covered in the gunk, which looked vaguely liked a cross between condensed yogurt and brown sugar. Her eyes were still glowing red, and blood stained the gunk.

"You -- you CAN'T be alive! I killed you! I know I did!" Ranma shrieked hysterically, backing up against a tree for support.

"There is no Akane," the girl replied, her voice curiously raspy and thick. "Only Zool!"

Ryoga got to his feet, and promptly shoved a hunting knife into Akane's breast. She doubled over, made a scream like a banchee being tortured, and fell to her knees.

"Why, Ryoga?" she whispered, looking up at him with eyes briefly glazed and brown. "I thought you loved me...."

Ryoga sighed deeply, and shrugged. "Well, I did. But all this possession stuff really turns me off. And I hated that movie."

Akane looked at him blankly. Ryoga twisted the knife, yanked it out again, and sliced it cleanly through her neck. He glared at her head, which he grasped by the inky black hair. "That's for making Ranma go insane," he said quietly, and then tossed the head off in a random direction.

Ranma looked up at him with big, adoring eyes. "Thank you, Ryoga! You saved my life!"

He shrugged. "Yes. Unfortunately, not soon enough."

Ranma narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean...."

"Well, Akane killed you. Obviously, or she wouldn't still be alive. Which means, you can't really be Ranma."

"Huh?"

"Admit it!" Ryoga pointed at him fiercely. "You're a pod person!"

Ranma groused, folding his arms. "How did you know?"

"Ranma would never act like you did. He really is dead, isn't he?"

The Ranma-pod shrugged. "Probably. I'm pretty sure. We're not really big on killing the people we make pods of anymore. The business is really getting sloppy. But like you said, he obviously didn't kill Akane."

Ryoga sighed deeply. "I thought as much. Well, thanks anyhow, Pod Person."

Ranma-pod looked hurt. "What, you mean you don't wanna have mad passionate sex with me anymore, just because I'm a pod? That's so shallow...."

Ryoga sighed again. "I'd really like to. But you aren't Ranma. And I can't do that to him."

"Do what to him? He's dead."

"All the same."

"Aw, man. You're no fun. Oh well. When they make a pod of you, you'll change your tune. I bet *he'd* sleep with me."

"Hey, no hard feelings. You just aren't Ranma."

"Oh, c'mon.... Give me a few days, and I'll have him down pat. Sorry about the crazy act, by the way. It was necessary. Oh, and thanks for killing the demon-Akane."

"No problem."

"Are you sure about the mad passionate sex?"

"Yes. Possitive."

"Are you *really* sure?"

Ryoga shook his head despondently. "You aren't going to stop unless I give in, are you?"

"Very astute. Please?"

"Why me?"

Ranma shrugged again. "My host body's crazy about you. He won't leave me alone. Do you have any idea how difficult it's going to be, ruling this planet with a hard-on?"

"Oh. Okay. Wouldn't want to stand in the way of your world conquest."

"Thanks. I owe you one."

"You owe me six...but who's counting?"

That's all for now. Hope they made you chuckle. C&C welcomed, as always.

--SilverFox