Attack of the Drama Queens
co-written by M Moneure're, a quadruple hammerhead, large diet pepsi and lack of sleep
Challenge response: Cross-over of Ranma 1/2 with Flea from Chrono Trigger
Part 1/2
Warnings: Caffeinated prose, OOC-ness (see notes), assault with Freudian psychology, Shampoo actually does something worthwhile
Disclaimer: not mine, no money, etc.
Summary: Kuno decides to seek help in defeating "Ranma the evil sorceror" in...rather odd places.
Pairing: Flea/Kuno
Archive: sure
C&C: yes

Notes: I think this is going to be a permanent feature of my fics. Especially when I'm feeling particularly hyper and composing straight into the email program. In this case, OOC-ness is in my speculations as to Flea's personality, since he really doesn't show up much in CT. I think my approach to this was influenced by the fact that I was practicing taiji dan jian (i.e. Tai Chi sword) with a bokken, which is wrong on so many levels that I can't begin to address it. Oh wait, that probably gives away the pairing...oh well. Deal. Also, I think I've posted way too many things already today, so I apologize for anyone's email box who I've overfilled. I blame the caffeine and general body weirdness. Oh, and this fic is kindof a songfic for "UFO Tofu" by the Flecktones except that it's not the same forward and backward. Okay, side note, I just find it immensely entertaining that Kuno's favorite stance with his bokken involves holding it with both hands just below waist level with the tip up. In addition, I'm more or less completely in "shoujo mode" today, so I'm going to be a drama queen for awhile. Finally, I promise to try to keep my warnings to under 2 lines in the future.

Clash of the Drama Queens
part 1/1

Kuno gripped his wooden sword and aimed a Death Glare™ at the Furinkan High School gate, through which the detested Ranma Saotome was most definitely not creeping. Where could the enslaver of his beloved Pig-Tailed Girl be? The Blue Thunder struck a dramatic pose, bokken held low, aiming in the same direction as his narrowed eyes. He paused to listen for the sounds of the entire student body watching him.

Something was wrong.

Where there should have been an awed silence, instead there was a murmur of voices, of quiet laughter. And over it all, a seductive alto voice raised in oratory. There was only one possibility, and it made Kuno shudder to think about it. Somebody had stolen his Dramatic Moment.

The new student at the heart of the surrounding crowd of faces, drawing in attention in an inescapable vortex, stopped in the middle of a witty remark to toss one side of a cape back over an elegantly gowned shoulder. A few mutters about regulation school clothes began, but died away as the rising sun's rays suddenly framed the figure standing on the top of a low wall. Everything about the presentation was perfect. Kuno knew that no mere mortal could truly appreciate the art of the grand entrance. Only he could recognize in this newcomer a fellow master. The Blue Thunder swept quietly away to meditate on how he might properly challenge this upstart challenger to his true primary discipline.

His ruminations were interrupted by the familiar presence of Nabiki Tendo.

"Wondering what to do about the newcomer?"

"What would you know about it?"

"I know everything of course. Don't you even want to know...um...*her* name?" Nabiki smirked slightly.

"Of course. Knowledge of one opponent's abilities is essential. Not that you would know of such things. But tell me, what have you discovered about this insolent poseur?"

"You should know me better than that, Kuno-baby!"

"Ah yes." Kuno's heart sank as he considered the likely ramifications for his wallet. "How much?"

"We'll have to discuss that. First of all, her " -- that slight smirk again -- "name is Flea, oddly enough."

"Flea...an honorable name for a worthy opponent. This will prove to be quite a contest...yes, I warr'nt it will indeed..."

Kuno pored over the pictures of the enigmatic Flea which Nabiki Tendo had provided him. In each seemingly candid shot, Flea had managed to surround herself with an aura of dignity and significance rivaling Kuno's best work. Truly, thought the Blue Thunder, here was a master of the art of dramatic effect. Their struggle for dominance would be legendary.

A motion from the door to the kendo club, where Kuno sat alone, alerted him to the appearance of his new rival. A perfect entrance, of course, backlit in a brilliant glamour shot, afternoon sunlight creating a soft halo around Flea's regally poised figure. Flea glided over to where Kuno sat regarding her, assuming a seemingly conspiratorial air. She leaned towards the Blue Thunder and spoke softly yet confidently.

"I haven't yet had the pleasure of meeting you. I would hope to put myself on the best possible terms with the only other true artist worth mentioning among this crowd of unruly cretins."

The words, seemingly an offering of peace, perhaps even an alliance, caught Kuno by surprise, almost causing him to fall into a simple, straightforward response. Almost.

"Truly, I would welcome the company of one such as yourself. For the elegance and beauty of your art, and of yourself, could not but succeed in drawing my attention, indeed, my heart-felt admiration."

"I am honored at the recognition of such a worthy individual as the legend ary Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School. I must admit, however, that I have sought out Kuno-san with intentions beyond simple admiration." Now Flea was [finally] getting to the point and cutting the pointless dramatics. "In short, I believe we may have a mutual opponent. The one called Ranma Saotome."

"That cursed sorceror and enslaver of women...ah, but such a pure heart as yours must feel the call of righteousness demanding that this evil one be brought to justice."

Flea chuckled inwardly. {What a yutz...he's actually buying this?} "Indeed, what opponent could stand in the way of two such as ourselves united?"

Kuno assumed an expression of melodramatic concern. "I fear that the evil Saotome's dark skills work insidiously to ensnare even the purest of female minds. Even you may be at risk."

{So, he thinks I'm a woman? Hm...this could work in my favor...} "Nothing could possibly harm me if I have the protection of a strong hero such as the legendary Blue Thunder." Flea batted his eyelids in Kuno's direction and was rewarded by a slight blush. He allowed a note of invented tragedy to slip into his voice. "However, I fear that the foul Ranma may already be plotting some sinister plan...he announced to me in secret earlier this day that he plans to make me his own, whether I will or not." {Let's see if he goes for this!}

Kuno, of course, was taken in completely. "That swine!" He arose to stand by Flea, curling an arm protectively around the shoulders of the cross-dressing magician. "Never fear! I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School, shall protect thee from the evil clutches of Ranma Saotome! This very day I shall challenge him!"

Flea grinned victoriously. "My hero!"

Ranma dashed through the Furinkan High School gate, a full minute and a half before the bell rang.

{Well, this is a new one for me," he thought, "Maybe this time I'll actually be on time for --}

The thought was cut off as Ranma came face-to-face with the point of Kuno's bokken, which the arrogant kendoist was gripping tightly with both hands.

Ranma sighed. "I guess being on time was just a bit too much to ask, it seems."

Morning light fell upon Kuno from behind, leaving his face shrouded in shadow. Clouds moving in from the west, as if on cue, began making threatening rumbles. {How did he do that?} Ranma wondered. {I know he goes to a lot of trouble to put together those entrances of his, but last time I checked he couldn't control the weather to add to the effect.}

"Well met, foul sorceror," Kuno growled, his words punctuated by a crack of thunder, as the sun slipped silently behind the storm clouds now covering the sky.

"Are you still going on with that 'foul sorceror' junk? You'd think that if I was really as threatening as you make me out to be, I could just snap my fingers at you or something instead of having to beat you senseless all the time."

"Ha! Your powers are useless against me! You crossed a boundary when you attempted to use your foul magic against a beautiful, pure and holy enchantress."

"What?" Ranma looked confused. "Who did I..."

"You know perfectly well the one of whom I speak. The one the heavens in all their majesty are awed to give the name 'Flea'. But your plan has gone awry, for even the blackest heart cannot touch the holy powers of the beautiful Flea. And this time she has lent me the protection of her sanctity that I may smite thee!"

"Wait a sec...Flea isn't a..." Ranma's thought was interrupted by yet another melodramatic entrance, this one by the sorcerous cross-dresser himself, lit by a shaft of sunlight which suddenly pierced the deep gray of the brewing thunderstorm.

"Defeat him, my hero!" Flea called to Kuno, "crush him, o Blue Thunder, that our love may shine forth!"

Ranma groaned inwardly. Kuno's dramatics were bad enough on their own, but the presence of another person with the same flair for pointless theatrics seemed to magnify Kuno's ego as well as his melodramatic nature. On the other hand, this might be a chance to get Kuno off his back for awhile if he played along...

Summoning up his best "evil sorceror" voice and fumbling for appropriately ridiculous language, Ranma turned a narrow-eyed Death Glare™ on Kuno. "Puny mortal, calling on the assistance of this...um... woman..." Ranma glanced again at Flea, who winked slyly at Ranma. Apparently Ranma wasn't the only one who was planning along. "I see I have no choice but to ... um ... cede the affections of this ...woman..." Kuno's eyes picked up a triumphant glint. "But don't think you've seen the end of me! We shall meet again to finish this battle another time!" Ranma dashed for the school building, just before the morning bell rang, and, more important, just fractions of a second before the clouds opened up, pouring down quite sufficiently cold rain.

None of the rain seemed to fall on Flea as he strode over to Kuno and clasped his arm, making chibi-eyes at the would-be hero.

"You've saved me! I knew you could do it, my Kuno!" Kuno circled his left arm around Flea, attempting to look regal even with wet hair plastered to his face.

"Ah, but it was with your help, fair maiden. But come, we must get in out of this downpour. Will you join me in the kendo club's rooms?"

The two moved off in the direction of Kuno's hangout. Just out of sight, a short-haired girl with a camera followed them, safely dry under an umbrella. Nabiki took up a post just outside a window and listened to the quietly spoken conversation coming from inside.

Suddenly Kuno spoke up, his voice rising in surprise.

"Flea? But you're...you're a..."

"Shut up and kiss me, Tacchi."

Nabiki kept from laughing long enough to snap a couple of choice shots. She had, after all, seen this one coming -- you don't shadow someone, taking pictures with the intent of selling them to a particular obviously smitten kendoist, without at least figuring out the fact that they're cross-dressing -- but she definitely hadn't expected Kuno to enjoy the revelation quite as much as he seemed to be.

--the end--